Navigating Through Mount Unemployment | Grief & Reflection

It has officially been a month since I was laid off from my first big girl job. I don't know whether I should be relief or sad. Til this day, my mind is still swirling with uncertainty, but at the same time, I feel at peace. 

Looking back four years ago, it was September 28, 2020 when I first received the news. Being a fresh graduate, during the pandemic, I was ecstatic when the email from HR popped up, delivering the news that I will be working as an accounting associate. Finally, I felt like I was a worthy human being. 

Growing up, I often compared myself to my siblings. They are all smart, attractive and intelligent, achieving all kinds of accomplishments; whereas, I felt like the opposite—I didn't feel good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough. So, when I finally snagged my first full-time job, I officially thought I was getting somewhere. 

Fast forward four years later, it only felt like yesterday when I started my journey slaving away as a bookkeeper—keeping up with client demands, achieving and exceeding my monthly targets, while keeping my anxiety and depression in check. Although the work was challenging, there were times when I was simply unsatisfied, fed up, and questioned my existence. 

Since I was a child, I have always felt lost and confused in where I wanted to be. I usually had trouble finding my voice, my purpose, and my place in this world. I frequently asked myself, "What is my purpose?", "Why am I here?", "What am I meant to do?". Not to mention, I envied people who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up. 

During the last week of December (just two days after Christmas), I received a sudden termination email. It was like the universe has heard me. That day, I was in disbelief and I broke into tears as my worth has been shattered; I felt like I was back at square one, scrambling to figure out what I wanted to do. 

At first, I was in shock. Then a wave of tears would come and go. Luckily, prior to being laid off, I started to dabble with the concept of manifestation. All my life I have dealt with serious depression and near of of 2024 I made it a mission to turn myself's life around. No matter how big or small, so I could have a more positive outlook on life. Hence, after being introduced to the concept of manifesting, I picked up a book called Asked and It's Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks. After reading this book, I felt a shift within myself—I was able to think positively most of the time, following their strategies, pushing away negative thoughts (although pessimistic thoughts do creep in from time to time).

So? After reflecting my time within the company, I realized that working for others was not what I wanted. While I was super grateful for all of the opportunities, connections, and experiences—ultimately, I was tired, overworked, and burnt out. There's definitely more to life than just slaving away. And without a doubt, I have always wanted to work myself, which meant starting a business. 

That being said, growing up, reading was my passion. It was a safe space for me, being able to imagine and create scenes like I was a director in a movie. And then my brain sparked an idea. What if I became an author? So, in August 2024, I treated it like a hobby and published my first non-fiction book. Overall, the process was fun. I got to be creative in designing my book covers, as well as sharing my knowledge with others. 

Fast forward to a few days later, I finally accepted the news and have begun to shift my mindset. I started my job search, and while I was scrolling through jobs, I was feeling hopeful yet dreading. But then I thought to myself, "maybe this was a sign from the universe". A sign to finally take a bet on myself—to continue my journey as an author. So from that day on, I manifested before I slept in having my own business one day—it's going to be challenging, but I know I can do it. Proof? I have currently sold 20 copies of my books in December 2024 as well as Jan 2025 (as the month is coming to an end). 

Now that I am unemployed, although I have a slight direction, I feel like a stray cat who is struggling to find their place within the world, just wandering in an endless path. However, one thing I am certain about is that after spending a few days spending time with my family and doing things that I love to do (this includes publishing books in my free time), I have been happier, at peace, and energized. While the future is uncertain, I am excited to start this new chapter in my life and see where this journey takes me.